What God Wants From You When Your Spouse is Wounding Your Marriage

What God Wants From You When Your Spouse is Wounding Your Marriage
September 16, 2014 Matthew L. Jacobson

matthewljacobson-com_whatgodwantsIt’s easier to do the right thing when our spouse does the right thing.

We can usually respond correctly in those circumstances, can’t we? It’s not rocket science, it’s it’s just human nature. You be good to me and I’ll be good to you.

What about when your husband or wife isn’t being good to you . . . isn’t doing what is right?

Much, much tougher.

And, if we’re honest, we often cut ourselves a little slack when this happens, listening to the voice that says, “I’m justified in responding the way I did because of what he/she did.” 

“My Marriage is being damaged. How do you expect me to respond?”

It is justice, of a kind . . . but not the New Covenant, biblical kind. It may feel right in the moment, to our flesh. Sin always initially feels right to our flesh.

God doesn’t draw such distinctions and make provisional allowances for our sin based on the difficult time we are having with our spouse. Instead, He says, “Be holy as I am holy.”

All the time, Lord?

Even when that person I’m married to does things that make me really angry?

Even when I am passed over?



When I feel uncared for and unloved?

Our flesh could never respond with a resolute “yes” to these questions. There’s just too much at stake, humanly speaking, unless . . .

Unless you are walking in the Spirit, yielding your heart to God in that moment and you give a soft answer from a humble heart, receiving from The Vine  (Jesus said, “I am the vine, you are the branches) the very life-force sustaining power to respond in holiness.

But that was a moment, one circumstance. What about the long-term challenge? What follows from a prolonged loveless relationship?

A dry, lonely place.

Is God’s sustaining Spirit enough for your holiness there? We know the correct answer.

Even there, God wants your faithfulness.

And, it’s not just wives.

Many husbands write to me, telling of the empty, solitary life they lead with their sinful spouse. And, still, from them, too, God wants faithfulness.

He wants our faithfulness when being faithful comes at a serious cost to the flesh.

In the quietness of the lonely hour, God’s message is unchanged, “Be holy as I am holy.”

It’s easy to love someone who is returning love. This is the point Jesus was making in The Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5:46 – even “publicans” (the worst sort of person in 1st Century Jewish society) do that.

God’s call to true believers is not for faithfulness only when things are going well but in the hard times every couple eventually faces. The mettle of our faith is revealed – is proven out – in the crucible of difficult relationships.

Someone else’s sin (your spouse’s, for instance) does not prevent you from walking in holiness before God.

What Holiness In Marriage Doesn’t Mean

Being holy does not mean not becoming angry. The Word says, “Be angry but don’t sin.” Ephesians 4:26. Don’t strike out in bitter, harmful words or deeds (or vengeful thoughts) when angry.

Being holy does not mean looking the other way in the face of ongoing sin. If you have a spouse who is walking in sin, apply the steps outlined in Matthew 18. If he/she is walking in sexual sin, the Bible is not unclear about the rights of spouses. In Matthew 5, Jesus says, if a spouse has sex with someone with whom he isn’t married, divorce is permitted.

Being holy does not mean denying who you are and stuffing your feelings until you’re ready to explode. Involve others – godly, older mentors who can shine biblical light on the path before you. Don’t ‘go it’ alone.

Being holy does not mean continuing to live in physically abusive circumstances. Get out and away ASAP and reach out to godly brothers & sisters who will help protect and walk the path of healing with you.

But, being holy does mean not responding in sin when you are sinned against. And, you can do it because the Spirit of God indwells you, has empowered you, and because sin doesn’t have dominion over you. Galatians 5:16 says if you walk in the Spirit you won’t fulfill the desires of the flesh.

Romans 6 says, . . . Consider your selves dead to sin but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord. Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in the lusts thereof. . . . . For sin shall not have dominion over you . . . Being then made free from sin, you became the servants of righteousness.

You are not a servant of sin. You are not under it’s dominion. You don’t have to do it’s bidding.

You are the servant of righteousness – even (especially) in life’s most challenging moments. God has given us the Spirit, the power, and the authority to say “no” to our impulse to respond in sin.

Will you embrace who you are in Christ and God’s call on your life to “Be holy as I am holy”— in this moment, during this day, in this pilgrimage He has not only called you to walk but is walking with you, right now?

Godliness, holiness, in the face of being wronged in marriage is not natural. It’s supernatural. It’s the work of the Spirit in your life and is a powerful testimony of God’s grace – a testimony others are observing and your spouse is experiencing. It’s the testimony God desires for your life.

Will you let Him do that work in you?


P.S. Nothing in this article or on this website should be understood to support abuse. This article is speaking of the normal experience couples have of offending and sinning against each other from time to time. If you are being abused, get away, get safe, and call the police.

P.S. If you could use a fresh perspective on loving your spouse, these books can have a major positive impact if wives and husbands not only read them but follow through with what they say.  Check them out HERE

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  1. Rob 2 weeks ago

    The Lord led Me to this Website for a a reason. My wife is not a believer and is now abusing alcohol and is talking with another man (any further than that I don’t know). I just recently found out and left home for 5 days so as to check my feelings and not do anything dumb. We have 2 beautiful girls 7yrs & 8yrs old. The alcohol has been the issue for the past 2yrs and now this other man pops in the scene. I’m stuck because I won’t leave my girls in their mothers care too long and whenever she leaves I get angry because I can tell leave to peruse her. She said she’d stop talking with him and again I found out that she has not.

    This past Sundays services were about asking for and allowing the Holy Spirit to Work & guide our paths. Then yesterday’s Men’s Bible study message was about “being broken but not shattered” and with the help of our Lord Jesus and the guidence of the Holy Spirit we MUST FIGHT FOR WHAT THE ENEMY HAS STOLEN!!!

    Then this message, once again the Lord is working on my heart and faith to remind me that He can & will help and has never left and is with me now to let me know that we will get through this in VICTORY though Jesus!!!

    • Jessica 4 days ago

      Yes! Brother Matthew Jacobson, remain in that which God has called you. Thank you brother for encouraging the body of Christ to run the race and stay steadfast for the Lord! Thank you for your humble reminder to obey our God and love HIM above all and anyone else. God bless you and may God continue to bless others as you admonish your brothers and sisters as the Holy Spirit leads, May God strengthen you in all knowledge, truth and wisdom and may you and your wife know how wide and deep the Father’s love for both of you!

  2. Jeremy 3 weeks ago

    Thank you for this write up. I have been standing and praying for the restoration of our marriage for many years. I have seen the enemy attack my self, my wife, my children and our home.. But God! I think the message you convey here is truthful and biblical, though I must respectfully challenge you on your interpretation of Matthew 5 (and of course Matthew 19 similarly) and say that isn’t at all what Jesus said in his sermon, nor to the Pharisees. Be that as it may, I find your heart to be undoubtedly in the right place and I pray the Lord will continue to open doors for you to bring his truth to struggling marriages. Grace and peace to you brother!

  3. HC Yeo 4 weeks ago

    What to do when a husband continually treat you in such a way that you are tormented, scorned , even stonewalls me as he said . He would often say he doesn’t want to come back when he worked overseas. But since those countries are in downtown and he has to be back to where countries have business opportunities he now finds fault and then said since I don’t care about the family, I should leave.

    • Author

      My wife and I are part of a supportive Church community. Please find local, biblical counsel to help with the specific marriage challenges you and your husband are experiencing.

  4. Shay 1 month ago

    The marriage I’m in has been based on deception from the beginning..I have prayed and tried to forgive my spouse for lying prior to marrying..Namely his lust for women..looking at other women kissing women at church pretending it’s innocent..as well as hugging..I’ve shared with him over and over for the past year..he will pretend to stop for awhile but will start up again..I am ready to walk away because I don’t trust him

  5. Pam 1 month ago

    What if you already do those things and your spouse says give him a break and don’t tell him what to do even though you re offering support

  6. Paul 2 months ago

    Restore marriage ministries

    Worth checking out. Felt led here when I was separated. Shows another perspective on God’s way to fight for your marriage – no matter what the other person has done or is doing. God bless.

  7. Josiah 2 months ago

    Adultery is not grounds for divorce.

    Quote :

    What does the “exception clause” mean?

    There are two “exception clauses” on divorce in Matthew. One of the first things that I noticed is that they do not address the same thing. It is often implied that both “exception clauses” give permission for remarriage. I noticed that the exception clause in Matt. 5:32 does not give an exception allowing remarriage. The exception only applies to whether the person initiating the divorce is responsible for causing their spouse to commit adultery. That exception does not permit divorce or remarriage. The last part of the verse, “and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery” removes any question that this exception clause allows remarriage after divorce. Matt. 5:32 states: “But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.”

    The second clause is in Matt. 19:9. Here Jesus says: “And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. I discovered that modern translators have altered this verse to make it say something totally different than what Jesus originally said. The NIV (and most modern translations) reads totally different than the KJV. The first major change in the NIV is the incorrect twisting of the “translation” of the Greek word pornea as “marital unfaithfulness.” By twisting the meaning of pornea, the NIV opens wide the gate for divorce and remarriage in every divorce situation. In every divorce case at least one spouse is maritally unfaithful to their spouse. The very act of one spouse divorcing their mate is a serious act of marital unfaithfulness. In many divorce cases both spouses view the other as being maritally unfaithful in some way. Therefore, the NIV wrongly gives permission for at least one spouse to get remarried in every divorce situation!

    The second major change to this passage is the removing of the last third of the verse, the phrase: “and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. ” It is wrong to remove words of Jesus from the Bible. This error has led many men and women into the sin of adultery, thinking that it was permissible to remarry. The Church can make changes in the version of the Word of God that it uses, but it can not change the true Word of God that Jesus will use to define sin on Judgment Day.

    Divorce and remarriage was common in the Roman Empire in New Testament times and the centuries following; however, I was not able to find this “exception clause” in Matt. 19:9 in any of the writings of the early Christians in the first 300 years A.D. The early Christians always quoted Matt. 5:32, but never the reading we have in Matt. 19:9. I found this significant, because these men, speaking for the early Church did not understand Jesus to be giving an allowance for remarriage after divorce.

    To translate the phrase “except for fornication” as “except for adultery”, giving adultery as grounds for divorce and remarriage has some problems. If a man’s wife committed adultery, how would her adultery keep him from committing adultery if he divorced her and remarried? Or to ask the question another way, is there any teaching or example in the Bible that would indicate that adultery by one marriage partner ends their marriage and makes them single again in God’s eyes? I have not found any Scriptural teaching or example where adultery ended a marriage, unless the spouse committing adultery was stoned. If he or she was stoned to death, that would end the marriage. Jesus’ words immediately following this exception clause make it clear that He was not giving permission to remarry after adultery. “And whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery” (He gave no exception). God considers the first marriage valid even after a legal divorce and remarriage.

    What then does the “exception clause” mean?

    Jesus was speaking to Jewish men, the Pharisees, in response to their question when He spoke these words in Matthew 19:9. Jesus said “Except it be for fornication and shall marry another.” Fornication is sexual relations with another unmarried person before one is married. The Jews required a man to write a certificate of divorce to end an engagement. We see this illustrated in the story of Joseph and Mary. Joseph believed that Mary had committed fornication with someone else and was planning to divorce her even though they were not yet married, when God stopped him.( Matt. 1:19,20)

    What Jesus said to these Jewish men, the Pharisees, in Matt. 19:9 is that divorce and remarriage is sin unless the divorce occurred in the engagement period. Even then the engagement could only be broken if the fiancée committed fornication with another person. Jesus said that if the man divorced his fiancée in the engagement period before marriage occurs, then it is permissible for him to marry another. The exception only applied to the Jewish custom requiring divorce to break an engagement. I could not find any evidence that the Roman law or custom required a certificate of divorce to break an engagement. We do not find the Matt. 19:9 “exception clause” repeated any other place in the Scriptures.

    The teaching of the Rabbis in Jesus’ day :
    To correctly understand Jesus’ response to the Pharisees in Matthew 19, we need to understand the broader context and what positions the Jews had on divorce and remarriage in Jesus’ day. The Pharisees were testing Jesus to see which rabbinical school of thought Jesus would side with. The Roman society around them allowed divorce for any reason. In the Oral Torah, which the Jews in Jesus’ day held equal to the Old Testament Scriptures, is found three explanations (schools of thought) of what Moses meant as grounds for divorce. Usually it is stated that there were two schools of thought in Jesus’ day, but when I researched it in the Mishnah (The Oral Torah) I found there were three schools of thought. The third school of thought was “no fault” divorce – Rabbi Akiba

    The positions of the following three rabbis are found in the Mishnah, Gittin p. 90a, 90b:

    Beth Shammai – If he has found her guilty of some unseemly conduct. (Divorce is allowed in the case of adultery)
    Beth Hillel – even if she has merely spoiled his food. (Divorce is allowed for any reason)
    Rabbi Akiba – even if he finds another woman more beautiful than she is. (No fault divorce)
    The Pharisees were questioning Jesus to see which explanation Jesus would side with. They asked Jesus if divorce was lawful for “any reason”. The disciple’s response clearly indicates that in Jesus’ response He did not side with any of the rabbis’ explanations in the Oral Torah. Jesus’ exception for divorce was much narrower than “marital unfaithfulness” (NIV). The response of the disciples tells us that Jesus’ response to the Pharisees did not support any of the schools of thought in the Oral Torah. “His disciples say unto him, If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry.” Matt. 19:10. Jesus’ response to the Pharisees also tells us that He did not side with any of the Rabbis interpretations of Deuteronomy 24:1-4 in the Oral Torah. He said that the permission allowing divorce and remarriage had never been God’s will. “From the beginning it was not so.”

    • Jessica 4 days ago

      Thank you for this. I can say that when I think of how marriage between a husband and wife is a reflection of our relationship with God, God our husband is faithful, even when we are faithless. He always keeps His covenant. Though a mighty hard pill to swallow, I receive what you are saying. There are some meanings lost in translation and that is why the Jews and Gentiles need one another. There is something to be learned from one another about the character of God and Jesus Christ. I choose no argument here my friend. I am in agreement with you. I only wish to say. that even for those who have committed the sin of adultery or divorce, it is up to God to whom He shows mercy. Though we all who love God should always seek to honor and obey Him, I have seen God redeem and bless those who have committed these sins for His own glory and their good. God said if we will confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins. In the event that many Christians are unaware of this truth lost in translation, God will hold them accountable to what they know and He sees their hearts. I think as believers any of us can fall prey to pride and self righteousness and think our daily sins no matter how small are not as bad as what some of us consider the “greater” sins. Though all of our sins yield different consequences there is not one sin greater than another. So I leave this saying for the follower of Christ who seeks to please God, there is no point, no sin so big, that God can’t forgive them, redeem them, and use them for His glory. God will always love us, but never our sins.

  8. Mike 2 months ago

    Me an my girl been together for 9yr we got a son 8 yr old I haven’t been there for her I always left at night never should her love at afrction I went to jail for 40 day’s I finally found God an turning my life around for the better of my family she has no faith in me that we can be happy an I stop talking to all my friends it’s all about them now an God I regeit what I did in the past .an I’m so sorry .what can I do to help her love an find it in her heart to be a happy family

  9. Reesa Carr 3 months ago

    Hi. I love everything I just read and I know God less me here because Im struggling. Although some may think its stupid or trivial but nothing coming from my heart is trivial. I been with my husband for 11 yrs. We was in a abusive relationship he’s got his,self together through AA and I went to counseling best thing I ever did. God put us bsck together while we went our way for self discovery and change for the better in both of us. We haven’t had a argument in 6 yrs and we talk abhor everything. My issue is he keeps liking other woman First it was my nieces friend, he denied it Second it was my nephews wife Third it was his brothers wife and Now it’s his great nephews wife. No he’s not making any adbances towards them its how he acts towards them its different he’s messing with them and it different than his other brothers or nephew wives. So do I keep putting up with this I feel there’s a line you don’t cross, I have never looked at another man and liked them. Am I the problem? Im just tired of him liking other woman and you say you love me and it hurts. I just don’t know what to do or how to stop myself from being bothered. Im preparing myself to be without him. He keeps denying it so whats the purpose to talk when he just going to say its not true but its true. What’s a woman to do?? Im not mad just tired of feeling like Im second best. When we go to his family gathering he act like he cabby take his eyes off her like Im not in the room. What to do???

  10. Tamara Hefner 3 months ago

    What are your thoughts on emotional abuse? What does the Bible say about that? After 14 years of emotional abuse and isolation I commuted adultery. Something I never imagine I would ever ever do. I felt Gods spirit leave me and I ached in a breathless type of ache until I confessed. My husband divorced me- rightfully so but apologized admitting he knew why I did what I did. We remarried 2 months after our divorce was final but he still holds this over my head and it’s been a year. In fact I feel the emotional abuse is worse and I’m controlled more than ever. I wanted nothing more than to put the past behind me and keep my family together. It’s hard to not feel shame when I live with the reminder everyday to the point I’m contemplating divorce this time. I love him so much but even my teenage kids are unhappy and miserable because he takes it out on them too. I am very loving and tender to him but sometimes I think this makes it worse. I read and study the Bible and I know God hates divorce. (Malachi) I also know God divorced Israel and that’s why he sent Jesus to remarry his bride. (Jeremiah 3:8) I’m torn with what to do after much prayer. Any insight or wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thank you and God bless your ministry.

    • Author

      Tamara, the Bible doesn’t mention emotional abuse. One of the challenges with this phrase is that it can mean anything. The definition resides with the one being abused – from sustaining harsh words in an argument to the worst kind of manipulation, control, and verbal degradation.

      However, as good a biblical marriage as Lisa and I desire and pursue, even if I didn’t commit adultery, she would not live with me if I consistently abused her in any other way. She wouldn’t divorce me because of the seriousness with which we take the biblical prohibitions against it but, she would ask me to leave, desiring repentance and reconciliation. (we discussed this less than two days ago when asked a similar question.)

      Without excusing your own sin, your situation is not unlike the temptation to sin created by neglect, spoken of by the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians (the couple who neglected each other sexually and were then tempted). There is serious sin on both sides, here, which often gets overlooked by the one who stayed home.

      May you seek God for a path forward – His desire being true forgiveness on both sides, reconciliation and a marriage that honors Him . . . I would be seeking God for a miracle and asking Him to do whatever it takes to bring true change to us both.

      • Tamara 3 months ago

        Thank you very much for your response. I will continue to pray. I feel as though the sin will never go away as long as I’m married to him…. this is probably a lie from the Devil.. I just believe God is not getting Glory from a marriage like ours at this time. I feel very hopeless. I have a strong belief in marriage. In fact we have been together since we were 13 so 20 years together is a very long time. I hate to throw away something I worked very hard on most of those years. That’s an investment.

  11. John O. 3 months ago

    I feel like these turbulences always happen when I don’t feel myself understood by my partner. And I guess it’s the same way for her. Had the best progress in just talking it out and being truly honest to each other.

    • Author

      John, understanding your spouse and being understood is critical. It’s why we wrote the books, Marriage Wisdom for Him and Marriage Wisdom for her. If you’re interested, you can check them out, here: http://www.LoyalArtsMedia.com

  12. Lally 4 months ago

    This is long but could use words of encouragement.

    I’m crushed in way I never thought I could be- I met my husband through work, I was never shy about my faith and what I believed or the way I believed. I volunteered- I gave – I went to services regularly. He came with me, as we had discussions about the Lord Inwould have never thought 2 years later AFTER we were married he said the words…he asked me how I could believe in a God that was talked about in a book written so long ago? He thought it was close minded of me to believe in such a thing. I was heart broken: how did I get here? He fooled me totally- was it really in Gods plan? Can God change something with so much deception? It’s been 2 years since I found out – I weep over this daily- I would never have wanted to marry someone who defiantly chooses not to believe. I have to repent daily of my feelings of bitterness toward my husband. I show him love- I talk to him- make love to him- but on the inside I am hurting. I was in the precense of his dad right before the “truth” came out- I was attending bible classes, my father in law mentioned “those classes you take…they believe Jesus is God…JESUS was just a prophet you know.” I replied, sir we will have to agree to disagree, I know him too well and he has answered too many prayers for me to “not know” what I know. His response was…”I’m 75 years old- this is much more important to me than even you”- all I could say was, “yes sir, I understand” He then asked if Tim (husband-his son) knew how I believed ? I let him know I never hid it and have always been open in communication. It was a blow.
    After communicating more- it seems my husband had a different definition of what a Christian was- and I assumed he knew what one was….all I can ask myself is. “how did I get here.?” All those years of him smiling saying yes and making comments were just talk- he never really meant or agreed with what was being said – he was just “affirming he “heard” me- he didn’t mean he was in agreement. I was laid off immediately after I found out the truth- & often wonder if God had me laid off so I wouldn’t run from our marriage. He scares me rhinking I could be so deceived.

  13. Meredith Gazlay 4 months ago

    I feel that God is calling me into a Ministry such as this. For women who have been broken by men. It is my calling to share with them how God has healed me miraculously from everything I have been through and to show them that there is a better way to respond when your spouse leaves you for someone else. I’m very glad I have found this article and would love to receive your book.

  14. Maxwell Brooke 4 months ago

    It was significance to me, thanks to the author for taking out some of your precious time and sharing your thoughts on this subject.

  15. Anonymous 4 months ago

    I’m about to get married to a woman that I deeply love after a year of courtship in our church the problem is I genuinely give so much to her but sometimes she is very poor at showing appreciation.
    I find it very hard to do things quote on quote for God because many times I do them for her because I love her I’m trying to bless her but because I do things that seemed so above and beyond I expect an above and beyond response and when then she criticizes me for trivial details in my mind like that I forgot to order the sushi without onions or that I didn’t remember some task that needed to get done for the upcoming wedding it makes me really mad that she’s not just grateful for All I Do.
    I’m not really trying to build a great defense for myself I just know that theoretically I’m supposed to do everything for God and not even for her and not trying to do things for her and awaiting a response seems so hard for me. How do we do everything for the glory of God instead of for a partner who fails to show the appreciation for all the energy and effort put into trying to bless her.

    • Author

      You may be confusing two things. 1 – avoiding real communication and 2 – your service to God. It’s clear that you are not being honest or forthright with your fiancé. Whatever is manifesting indoor relationship now that is left unaddressed with be greatly accentuated after you get married. Stuffing your feelings and perspective will never end in a positive place following the wedding. You need help and guidance. I suggest you find a truly biblical, godly couple to help the two of you learn to communicate. Regarding the issue of serving God, serving and loving your wife is loving God – Read Ephesians 5 . . . you’ve find there the admonition to love her as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it.

      You would be very unwise to leave your issues unaddressed. I strongly encourage you to lead in this relationship by seeking local (biblical/godly/wise) counsel. I would also like to suggest to you the books Lisa and I have written – Marriage Wisdom for Him and Marriage Wisdom for Her. You can find them here – http://www.LoyalArtsMedia.com

  16. Carolyn 4 months ago

    I have been in a sexless marriage for 15 years! My husband is very good to me otherwise and ai know he loves me. He has nerve damage that apparently makes intercourse painful. He is very uncomfortable talking about it. When I attempt to it always ends up in a tearful argument. I pray nightly about this. I still desire a physical relationship! I love him but fear living out the rest of my life without experienceing intimatcy.

  17. Mona L Johnson 4 months ago

    Verbal and physical abuse

  18. Vivian 5 months ago

    Thank you for this article. It left me with a deep level of understanding on how to deal with a negative situation.

    In my situation, my husband is a chronic liar. I have given him multiple chances to rebuild trust in our marriage. He continues to disappoint me. The lying is constant. We talk about it and when I finally think we’re making some progress, a new lie comes out. I’m numb. How do I deal with this?

    • Cathy 5 months ago

      I am also dealing with the constant lying. Even about small things that are trival…it just doesn’t make sense.
      Praying for some guidance…

    • K Pedersen 4 months ago

      How do you deal with a chronic liar in a marriage?
      At this point we exist separately and I’m cordial.
      No intimacy.

  19. Rayshawn 5 months ago

    Pray for me (Rayshawn) & my wife (Joy). I’ve hurt my wife emotionally for yrs. Now I’m trying to be better but she just seems stuck on her. We have 3 kids. Two are over 18 & a 10 yr old. My wife wants to separate. Pray & agree with me that God’s word is helping us…

    • Summer 5 months ago

      A highly qualified doctor told me once that when you hurt your spouse and apologize and change your behavior, that it is not all that is needed. He says the reason they get stuck there is because the person who harmed does not appear to “get it”, to understand the depth of the pain that was caused. Definitely prayers are very important but also, seek to understand what your wife needs from you that would help her to overcome the pain. Sometimes we do the things that will work for us to ease any guilt, but fail to empathize with the one we hurt. You need to allow open channels for communication and allow discussions to take place, denying that you are no longer hurting her and insisting that you’ve changed so it’s fixed and in the past, is not allowing to hear her pain. Is that not just like hurting her all over again or still? My husband also, to no end, says drop it, it’s in the past. Until he recognizes that it is not in the past but hurts me still today and allows an honest, open discussion it will always be right now. I have not decided yet to divorce as I hope for some reconciliation in our relationship. That hope is slowly dwindling away though the longer he does not bother to hear how it affects me and has so seriously hurt my self-esteem, it will be happening yet. My husband refuses to hear me out, successfully destroying whatever is left of our marriage. He has already destroyed me, shaken my faith, and taken my inner-peace, after marrying a man who claimed to be an ordained minister. He is that in fact, he is just not a true Christian is the only way I can understand it. Hopefully you will be able to have that all-serious discussion, and agree to counseling, or what she needs to resolve it, in complete honesty and no arguments, and without excusing it since you’re changed, and focus not about how the discussion might feel to you, in order to save the relationship soon. Remember, 1 Corinthians 13. Love is patient and kind… allow the conversation to commence and guarantee to keep it open until fully resolved for both of you.

      Best Wishes, you are in my prayers

  20. mark bruner 5 months ago

    i messed up and cheated and now im living on my own. i want my wife back and my marriage but she wont even talk to me she is so hurt and angry. can god help that?

    • Author

      God can help/change the person whose heart is yielded to Him – the person who truly repents from his sin – but how others respond is their choice. You’ve closed the heart of your wife with your actions. If you’ve truly repented of your sin before God and your wife, walk as a holy man in the power of the Spirit. Whether your wife believes you have changed and will truly forgive you remains to be seen. Ask God for mercy. Ask Him to change you from the inside out. Ask Him to change your wife’s heart to allow you another chance to demonstrate to her for the rest of her life that you will cherish her like the precious jewel and gift of God to you that she is. Whatever your wife ultimately decides to do, you are to lead a holy life before God.

  21. Sue Garcia 5 months ago

    My husbabd and I have been married for 7 yrs. In the begining of our relationship we were apart for 3 months we had issues. We resved them and got married. But during those 3 months we were still talking and one day i picked him up he had a huge hicky on his neck he saud the guys pinched him at the basketball court. I knew it was a lie but i believed him i loved him, 7 yrs later that still bothers me to the core i just want him to tell me the truth i dont care for the detsils i just feel like a fool an idiot if he confesses it will soothe my heart and i can let it go. Should i ask him? I have brought it up during these last 7 yrs but he always states it was a pinch and not a hickey from a woman. Were both christians we love God but for dome readin this still weighs on me. Please help thank you Blessings I need to know the truth

    • Author

      You’ve said you have already spoken of this with him and he insists on his former answer. It’s up to you to let it go. When we do not trust a person in a matter we can always ask God to bring the truth into the light.

  22. Carlos Pringle 5 months ago

    I’m very glad I came upon this article. It is encouraging to know that i’m not alone. I’ve been married for one year, and i’m struggling with forgiving my wife for the hurtful things she’s done to me. I am also struggling to forgive myself for the hurtful things I’ve done to her because of that pain I experienced. I never expected to be abused physically and emotionally in my own marriage, but I’ve failed to “be holy” as God has commanded me. In mis-understanding I felt I was justified in my anger, and I lashed out against her, but I’ve only wounded my wife. Right now I’m having a hard time letting things go because I feel so wronged, but i’m reminded now of how wrong I am; for not being who I truly am in Christ. This marriage if anything has shown me how my relationship with Christ is; in that I am just as mean and wrong when I ignore his will for my life and do my own things. The hardest thing for me is going to be Forgiving and forgetting what my wife has done, and loving her despite what she says or how she treats me; without dwelling on the past. Sometimes those things hurt so much, and I feel helpless. I’m horrible at arguing and I hate it, but I’ve been convicted because I use my words to be abusive as a way to fight back; and that’s not right. Right now, I just want the peace of Christ to reign in my life, and I want to do the right thing, even if she wrongs me again. Please pray for me, that I stand firm in the truth of God’s word, and that I truly begin to love my wife as Christ loved the Church. That in those deep and intense moments I trust God and just let the flesh in me die.

  23. Summer 6 months ago

    After 13 years doing my best to do the right thing and not neglect any of my duties, many that were dumped on me in spite of my health limitations, I cannot tolerate the faithless spouse. His mouth says he is a Christian, very loudly in fact, he claims he is an ordained minister but I see no real evidence of that, his hair-trigger rage, failure to help me with anything including getting needed health care, has put me at my wit’s end. By all definitions he is guilty of neglect of a person in need (vulnerable adult). I am bedridden and can only manage a few steps a day. I cannot sit up long enough nor do I have the ability to work above my reach where the counter-top is, he is supposed to be my caregiver and refuses to allow me to hire a girl for a few hours a week. I cannot clean my room, change my own sheets, I need help with a bath and laundry so I have clean clothes. He took my car a few years ago forcing me to sign it over to him so he could use it as a trade in. He bought a fairly new car that we really cannot afford and he refuses to allow me to go anywhere. I am not even allowed to drive to the corner store for a candy bar. Every doctors appointment has to meet his approval and if he doesn’t like it I don’t get it. I truly believe he wants me to die. I have 2 ;life threatening illnesses and one of them should it go bad will probably cause death before the ambulance can get to my house. My husband has argued with the staff at my vascular surgeons, refused to schedule my appointments because I cannot hear on a phone, among other things trying to deteriorate the patient doctor relationship.

    The last few years I find I am responding to him in the exact way that he does me. I know that two wrongs do not make a right, and I hate myself for it, but I also really need to defend myself–I have nobody to help me. The filthy names he and his kids have called me since the beginning have finally convinced me that that is what I really am. He takes off leaving me here alone for days on end, mind you I cannot be up long enough or physically able to prepare meals so I survive on snacks, chips, and cookies that are beside me. I k now it is not healthy but I have no choice but that or starve. I am totally dependent on him, financially and physically. I have no options other than to lay here and take his mistreatment. He refused to allow me to see my mother when she needed a little moral support for her health. Should I just die to make it stop? I don’t think I can handle much more.

    • david and markr hauck 5 months ago

      Thank you for biblical teaching. please pray for David and Marie. I would like your free book but I do know how to navigate around on this tablet or computer and fond email and a link. I am a babyboomer and very lowtech. Please send us the book anyway and please communicate with us.

      • Author

        Are you on Facebook? If so, just sent me a private message with your name and address and I’ll send you the books

    • david and markr hauck 5 months ago

      Dear summer my heart breaks for you. the Lord is close to the broken hearted, He is the awesome shepherd who carries the wounded ale.e close to His heart and soothes her with His love.may you experience his love, protection, care, deliverance and healing in Jesus Name amen. you will be uplifted to the throne of grace in Jesus Name

    • Nicole Watt 3 months ago

      Can I encourage you to use whatever device you have posted from and search for help. You need to let local organisations know what is happening. You need to let your Dr know and they along with local domestic violence groups can get you some where safe where you can be cared for and hopefully your health improve. Praying you get the help you need.

  24. Olivia 6 months ago

    What if you have been married only 2′ months and there is verbal abuse and neglect sexually and emotionally on the part of your spouse because of his dark past , betraying ex who he divorced from 11 Yrs ago and kids that he had with her betrayed him
    And left him and he is emotionally torn and cannot fulfill with you even though he married you and being a Christian but not really having any strong spiritual fervour or humility for God or to go before God ? What am I as a wife supposed to do ??

    • Author

      Seek biblical, godly counsel locally.

    • Kathy 5 months ago

      Seems to me like a very harsh thing to bring into the next marriage and for whatever reason he is taking it out on you and God has very clear expectations when it comes to verbal, emotional, physical, abuse. Also when he does talk like that to you you have to remember 10% is what he says 90% is your reaction and when he does verbally and emotionally and mentally abuse you I would let him know that you know what he’s doing makes me wonder if he married you for the loneliness of his ex-wife and situations that were there they never resolved seems to me like you left too soon and never gave it a chance I think I’d bring it up and if the verbal and emotional abuse continuous truthfully biblically you have every right to leave you do not have to take that and if you continue to take it he will keep doing it not until you leave will he get it maybe just maybe he will realize how much you mean to him and man needs counseling and we all know how hard that can be to get your spouse especially a man to see a therapist and work through these terrible feelings that are not only ripping the marriage apart but him inside and I don’t believe that he means to do it to you it’s how he feels inside about himself and I believe he’s begging for help don’t sip us eyes with him know it’s his own monsters that he’s fighting and if you would lean more towards God he would realize it and ask God for help delete him through this because anger, fighting, are another form of hate in his eyes and he makes it very clear about subject it’s like murder and we’ll get him Eternal damnation. Nothing is unforgivable to God except for the end day when he arrives and the people that are unbelievers and don’t believe that he died and rose again will have to deal with that praying to God and asking him for help will always be there for you he may not answer your questions right away but best answers come in time there’s a reason for this happening sorry you don’t know what it is yet but he always has a great plan and always ask him if it’s his will God bless and take care of yourself

  25. MareBear 6 months ago

    I have mixed feelings about this article.

    What if you do it ALL? You sacrifice, you pray, you work hard, you organize, you raise kids, anything that needs doing? And your reward is a non-verbal partner who can’t carry on a conversation with you without making a negative comment? How long should you let this go on? For me, it’s been 15 years. I’m exhausted. I’m tired. I want out. I want peace. I don’t want the guilt associated with self-preservation. I would think God would understand that?

    • Danielle 5 months ago

      Hi hunny I just read ur comment and it made me sick to my stomach I am in as close to the same misery every day of my life seems worse not better just the same helpless feelings he has torn my life apart Noone wants to be around him but when they are they blow smoke up his ass n we all live in a fake scared nightmare the thing is I have a ten year old little boy who loves his dad and deserve a family what do I do ? I know scripture like it’s my own name I serve I bring my son up in the church and his father makes it into joke and don’t just live in all this sin but believes it’s OK cuz there is no God I have told him God will not be mocked what you sow will so be reaped and it has been so many times but he couldn’t care less it is just a sad situation I do feel ur pain God bless you sister

  26. Rose 6 months ago

    What does one do when their husband wants to share you with other men? If you say “no,” he will be unhappy as he will be living in a sexless marriage, but you really don’t want to do this; in fact, you want nothing whatsoever to do with sex anymore. A lifetime of disappointments and hurts and regrets has destroyed any desire you feel for him. You are one who just cannot stand up for herself and say no. What do you do?

  27. Amy 6 months ago

    I’ve been married for 7 years.

    I found out after we were married that my husband had been married before with two kids. He started paying child support and we had 25k garnished from our joint account.
    He also lied about smoking, had an affair where he told me he was leaving but denied the affair. I found out on my own after he said he had changed his mind and was 100% committed.
    Since then he has lied about being fired from a job and pretended to go to work everyday, lied about going to counseling when he never did, contacted his ex-mistresses husband because she had told him it was her brother and he was curious of she had also been married, and had a very bad anger issues and calls me names in front of our children. He’s been unstable with work as well and I have financially provided.
    Now he says he’s leaving again by he’s dragging his feet. I feel like my family will judge me for getting divorced but how does one live with constant lies, previous cheating and emotional/verbal abuse along with a cycle of not being committed and wanting to leave? At the same time he tells me I’m a great wife/mom/person, which I knoe and makes it the more confusing.

    • Author

      Please find local godly, biblical counsel – someone to help you think clearly about the reality of your situation and relationship. I can’t tell you what to do but, I can tell you that my own wife, Lisa, would not abide this from me.

    • TruthSerum 6 months ago

      God does not endorse abuse. Just because you are not being physically abused does not mean you aren’t being abused. There is such a thing as soul rape. There is a huge disservice to abused wives (and husbands) who are told they have to endure it by the church. Please read A Cry for Justice…It will enlighten you to the truth that enabling an abuser is not God’s plan for the victim…The marriage vow is broken with abuse. When marriage is held higher than the person suffering, then the marriage is made into an idol and blasphemes God. Jesus came to free us, not keep us in bondage. Marriage was never meant to enslave anyone to abuse. The abuser is responsible for their own sin…It is not the wife’s responsibility to fix her husband.

      • Kathy 5 months ago

        I’m not too sure what to say about this but I do believe you should go and get counseling for yourself in the marriage Department preferably biblical I certainly agree with you as a woman just can’t understand why he wants to share you with another man different everyone has a different way of wanting to see love show love I don’t think he understands I also believe that he has a sex addiction problem I mean the signs are there I think I would seek Christian Counseling and see what happens or I would simply tell him that his behavior has to stop or you can’t stay around because you’re not sharing yourself with another man at all to please him that’s not what you’re made of God made a perfect person you didn’t make a person that should be sexually abused because that is what’s happening I think you should seek counseling before it wrecks you or leave the relationship before it wrecks you but seek counsel I would God bless you and take care and soul rape is not exactly a biblical thing it is called breaking your spirit and got his very harsh words on anyone that does that it’s goes along with the emotional and mental and physical abuse you really should read on what he says about abuse Any Which Way abuse you’re worth way more than that God Don’t Make Junk!!!!!!!!

    • Kathy 5 months ago

      The lying to me is personally as bad as the cheating and what he is doing is venging his anger out on you what he feels about himself the cheating can be forgiven I’ve forgiven it twice and I know there is more because if they get away with it once they get away with it twice and then the Vicious Cycle continues it only stops when he gets caught and the fun is no fun anymore and he loses everything I would seek biblical counseling for the verbal and mental abuse also when I did to find my answers I always ask Google what God expected of us or what she says about verbal mental and emotional abuse among physical you would be surprised but I went put up with the verbal emotional and mental abuse I say this because I just went through it and we have been together 25 years and anything else but when it comes to saying such things that you never knew would come out of your husband’s mouth for how he views you really hurts words do hurt moment I would take care of yourself and seek by Buckle Council to find out what you can do about this you can go check with a pastor and ask him giving part is the hard part you can forgive but it’s so hard to forget that takes drinks and hope and courage anyway God bless you and take care of yourself and your kids your kids should not be seeing that stuff at all because it hurts them to see the two people that they look up to and love the most doing this and if you don’t get hold of this your children will suffer for this you must do the right thing

  28. Chelsea 6 months ago

    I agree, my sin is not justified because of my spouse’s sins.

    I never realized, until now, that I blamed God for where I was in my marriage. I married a man who was struggling with a porn addiction and who was physically and verbally abusive to me. A woman once told me about her abusive marriage and how God restored them. She said she prayed for her husband and fought for her marriage. I did the same. I spent the majority of my marriage feeling unloved, alone and unwanted, but I prayed for my husband.

    I became bitter towards my husband. I never told people about our issues because I didn’t want people to look at us like hypocrites, which we were. I began to see my husband change and find men who would hold him accountable. The physical abuse stopped and he’s working on the verbal part. I’m not a victim; I messed up. I cheated on my husband and now I feel like I’m in an even deeper pit than before. I hate myself and what I’ve done to him and my family. This may sound unbelievable, but I never wanted to hurt him. I wanted a way out. I wanted him to put me out and file for divorce because I didn’t have the strength to walk away from my marriage. Instead, he forgave me and we’ve been getting counseling.

    One would think that after me hurting him and him forgiving me, I would be grateful and would want to restore our marriage, but I don’t. I’m still hurt from our past. Basically, I’m screwed up inside. I can’t blame God. He didn’t do this to me. I did it to myself.

    Now, I need a change in my heart. To be the woman God called me to be; virtuous and pure not broken and feeling sorry for myself.

  29. Jeff 6 months ago

    “Nothing in this article or on this website should be understood to support abuse. This article is speaking of the normal experience couples have of offending and sinning against each other from time to time. If you are being abused, get away, get safe, and call the police.”

    The problem is, many people who are being abused don’t realize they are. And many people subject themselves to further abuse in an effort to be holy. This lends such an article as this to be very dangerous for some people as they try to be “holy” by doing things that are risky to them.

    Saying, “this doesn’t apply to abuse” is laudable, in that it recognizes that there is a potential danger here, but you need to offer a clear pathway for people in abusive situations to determine if they are. Because when the title is about a spouse “wounding your marriage”, you are no doubt going to attract abuse victims.

    Also, you are clear about divorce for sexual sin, but with abuse you don’t take the same tone. That seems like an omission. If you are being abused, getting away usually/often means divorce.

    I’m honestly skeptical of the value this type of article, but that could because of bias. Since I tried to by “holy” when what I should have been doing was setting boundaries, such notions trigger me somewhat. And of course I realize that we should turn the other cheek and not use a spouse’s bad behavior to excuse our own behavior. It just seems that this is largely a known and obvious thing. Do people really need to be convinced to sacrificially love their spouse in a normal marriage? Perhaps they do and my own experience and temperament seems to underestimate the value of this teaching.

    For me, sacrificing for my spouse comes natural. What is difficult is learning how to navigate my own needs and being aware of them in a way that is not self seeking.

  30. Joe 7 months ago

    I have cheater on my wife is feel guilty for it it happen about a year ago it was short lived but still the same it happen the person call my wife about two weeks ago and told her everything my wife kick me out and say it done and over . But she at fault to her two sons her job stress her out our sex lives was over about 6years ago maybe once every 4 to 5 weeks if I was lucky there two side to every story still I cheater and was wrong I don’t want to give up on a 20 year married can you help please I need the Lord to help

    • Author

      Only the Lord can help you in this situation. Humble yourself before Him. Ask Him for mercy. Ask him for a miracle – the miracle to open your wife’s heart enough to believe that you are truly sorry for the betrayal and have truly changed.

    • DEB SHULL FANCOTE 6 months ago

      actually, it still did not give you the right to blame her on your affair, you are an adult and never should have cheated, whether you were getting sex or not. my spouse cheated on me and he blamed it all on sex and supposedly ignoring him when I was waiting up for him everynight, and I pampered him and gave him attention, love, respect, even though I did not get it from him. sex does not make a marriage. God should be # 1, your marriage and being faithful, your wife, job, kids, but never should an extramarital affair should be there. you need to be there for your spouse for better or worse. sorry to sound so hard, but as a victim of the same exact thing. I did nothing wrong for him to treat me this way or cheat on me. he has lied, abused, been domestically violent, attacked his children and one is in a wheelchair, committed fraud, stolen etc.

      Love your wife, give her time, don’t ever do anything like that to her . sit down and talk about it, but expect some resistance, because you broke something major with her, you broke the bond of trust. I pray that someday, you will make her a priority along with God, repent and never do anything wrong to her, your family, or God. again. all my best

      • janet 3 months ago

        so very true god first place and asking him for everything he knows what were going threw love your responce

    • Kathy 5 months ago

      I understand how you must feel she is very hurt the Betrayal the lies. Because the love she had in her heart for you was strong and because a woman does not give you sex on a regular basis is no excuse it shouldn’t have even been said that’s not why or the big reason why God gave her to you but also on her side she should have not been depriving you maybe she didn’t know I’m not sure but if you love her don’t give up because she still loves you but she is so hurt trust me I have been cheated on twice but there is forgiveness even though biblically she has the right to divorce you. You have to understand she feels stupid she didn’t feel it coming it’s a devastating feeling believe me but if you love her don’t give up God has forgiven you already but when asking for forgiveness he forgives but don’t do it again because doing it again is like slapping him in the face and forgiving yourself is important. The disciples in the Bible once ask the Lord how many times they should forgive a man for doing wrong against them and he replied 70 x 7 it’s a lot of times but if it wasn’t true he wouldn’t have never said it before she can forgive you or love you again you have to love yourself again and forgive yourself and the key word to making it work is reassurance constant reassurance because she lost loyalty, faithfulness, and she really feels the vial ated it’s going to take a long time to build her trust back up but if you love her and you get the chance it’s very rewarding in the end God bless you and take care he has your right hand he will lead you in the right path it’s about praying for the right thing and it’s if it’s his will not yours but he lives things will work out for the better he has a reason for everything we don’t always know what it is at first but the end results are spectacular he’s a wonderful and loving and gracious God he knows that it is a dark World that we live in but in times like this he never leaves you he never leaves you at all he’s with you right now Deuteronomy chapter 31 verse 8 look it up it’s very very calming God bless and I wish you the best in life

  31. marie 7 months ago

    My husband assisted in the fracture of my ribs. Though he didn’t do it he fell on top of me and I fell into a table where I fractured my ribs. He was annoyed that I was hurt. It felt as though he didn’t believe me. He laughed a couple of times. It was painful and it wasn’t funny. It took him hours before I could convince him something was wrong. The next day he left me alone all day to go and help some friends move. Why does this bother me? Maybe because I feel so unloved and disposable. We are newly married and it’s been a really tough beginning to our marriage. I pray a lot. Please tell me am I being a big baby?

  32. Grace 7 months ago

    Thank you for your article.

    Unfortunately, the secular world in which we live, divorce is the immediate solution to marital difficulties.

    However, with that being said, there are divorces that I believe G-d does not consider to be a sin. HE knows our hearts and understands our circumstances.

    G-d does not want HIS children to stay in an abusive marriage. HE told us we are to love others as we love ourselves. And we are not loving ourselves by staying in a marriage, where we continue to be hurt emotionally, psychologically or physically.

    If we are saved, we are children of the King. And the King’s kids deserve to be treated with love and respect !.

    • Janice 6 months ago

      I would just like to ask is God not worthy enough for you to not spell his name out completely and not abbreviate. The mention of God makes demons tremble

      • H 5 months ago

        Grace could be Jewish….and if so, not spelling out the Name is more of a gesture of respect and awe at God’s greatness.
        It is not considered disrespectful .

  33. Carrie 7 months ago

    Matthew ,
    Thank for this article. I have no idea how I ended up here … I’ll just thank my friend Holy Spirit.. as I needed this encouragement and reminder to continue to Love him– even when i am ignored.

    I’ve been praying for salvation for my hubby .. and I know it’s coming soon. But it gets really hard on some days. A couple years ago I was telling Holy Spirit how angry I was at my hubby ( it was about an issue).
    Audibly I heard, ” just love him”.
    Not what I wanted to hear!! – But after really looking at 1 Cor 13, I really started to. I know he’s watching my behaviour .. and wondering about the positive changes he’s been witnessing
    . My hubby is a great provider and an excellenct father – we love each other – but our beliefs are very different- for now.. God is so good & Faithful , it a matter of time.
    Bless u and your beautiful family !!

    • Author

      Thank you for your kind words, Carrie. 1 Peter 3:1-2 has been a comfort to many Christian wives who’ve found themselves in similar circumstances – “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.”

      • Grace 7 months ago

        For Christian women: Being subject to your husband does not mean being his slave or following your husband’s dictates when they run contrary to the word of G-d.

        • RAB 7 months ago

          I look to God to. Place a believing lady in my life. It seems hard to communicate with a person that believes and also trusts due to their past experiences with men.

  34. John Komagum 7 months ago

    All that you have written are really good. But however much a spouse tries, if the other one is not willing, nor knowledgeable enough how God looks at marriage, nothing will succeed.

  35. j 8 months ago

    My family has been torn apart and my husband won’t really talk to me anymore I want out marriage to work. I love him and our children love him. I need help will this book help if were not together?

    • Author

      The books 100 Ways to Love Your Husband and Marriage Wisdom, for Her will help you with your role and understanding of how to interact positively with your husband but, it always takes two for forward progress. Our role is always to be obedient to God and walk in holiness regardless of what your spouse is doing.

  36. Christy 8 months ago

    If your partner is abusive in any form, you should leave. It isn’t just for physical abuse. My ex husband was abusive in every way except physical. He was a totally different person away from home and people at church loved him. I had one friend outside of church who believed me and has stuck by me. Church people told me to pray for my husband. When that didn’t work, I was told to pray harder and to have faith. I left my abusive ex and church and never looked back. Other forms of abuse are just as damaging, if not more, than physical abuse.

    • MareBear 6 months ago

      *mic drop*

      That takes some serious strength. When your Church and community believe the lie, and not you, you feel SO alone. I applaud you for finding strength. I know about verbal and emotional abuse too, I just haven’t found the strength to do what I need to do.

  37. Aleisha Donald 8 months ago

    My husband has said things that hurt me. I want to leave him and use the kids to hurt him. Is it right to use our children as a weapon.

    • Author

      It is never right to use children in the disputes of adults. Doing so is the height of selfishness. One of the responsibilities of parents is to protect the hearts of our children. Making them a weapon in a dispute cannot be defended. It’s completely wrong.

    • Grace 7 months ago

      Most of us say many things we don’t mean when we are hurt. And it sounds like you are in a lot of pain. You might want to pray and ask G-d to guide your heart and mind as you go through this difficulty.

      Remember dear Aleisha, you are not alone.

  38. Khabonina 8 months ago

    Hi can God ever forgive me for not wanting to get married since he has blessed me with it and I refused please help me

    • Author

      I don’t know your story but, God will, of course, forgive you if you truly repent of sin. 1 John 1:9 says If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

      . . . and, when you do and you are truly forgiven, believe what God has said, not what the Destroyer, Deceiver, and Discourager keeps saying. Drown out the voice of destruction with the Voice of Truth.

  39. Irene 9 months ago

    My spouse and I will be merry 2 years this coming July, and I feel that we don’t have a healthy marriage. We argue a lot, he says hurting words to me and I do the same, from one day to the next he changes his attitude towards me. I keep it inside cuz I don’t want to hurt him back. We just can’t sit and talk about it. I love him and he says he lives me. Sometime I think he doesn’t. What do I do. How can I handle this? He will never apologize he he says hurting words to me. We are to old now for this kind of nonsense. Help.

  40. Canary LeBlanc 9 months ago

    So if hubby married me knowing I was allergic to onions and garlic and chives and shallots and he doesn’t like strong perfume is it OK to kill me so he can marry someone else who likes the junk

    • Author

      The Word of God says “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it.” (Ephesians 5:25) So, in a word, no. You are to be a cherished woman, according to the Bible.

  41. Nina 9 months ago

    I need restoration on my marraige, we are in divorce proceedings but I don’t want to give up I dropped my petition but he continued with his. I believe God can restore I just need a little guidance. Thank you.

    • RAB 7 months ago

      I believed for over 4 years but still is ending in her signing for a divorce to be with another. It is hurtful but something we have to go through???

    • Joseph 7 months ago

      Seeing that you, as the wife, gave up your petition for divorce really gives me a glimmer of hope that my wife will have a change of heart and drop her petition and just speak to me again.

      Thank you for sharing that!


      A Newly-wed Husband who is imperfect and losing his wife

  42. Dee 10 months ago

    I am very angry my husband is taking all the money and gambling it away. We are behind on all of our bills thousands of dollars in credit card bills. We are behind on our mortgage I have 30 years on my job I can retire soon but not if this continues. I cannot continue to tithe. I don’t feel as though my husband loves or respects me. I am not respecting him right now and I feel as though I do not love him
    I want out of the marriage we have been married for 6 years no children
    I have been trying to hold on but for what. I am very angry about this situation please help me.

    • Author
      Matthew L. Jacobson 10 months ago

      If Lisa (my wife) was in your position, she would involve the elders of our Church.

  43. kwezi 11 months ago

    I’m very grateful for this. Thank you. I am in a loveless relationship. My wife is indifferent and hates sex. I went to a point where i engaged in an extra marital affair and she found out and was furious. I have since apologised but she has since closed the chapter in the bedroom and there is absolutely no sex at all. Four months pass without having had sex and she hates me with passion.
    I have since fallen in love again with my head of department, a Professor, 15 years older than me. I love her because she gives me what my wife cannot give me. I am a christian husband who is starved and have since engaged in ungodly sexual practices due to sexual starvation.
    But your article is challenging me and i want to repent and turn away from extra marital affairs even if my wife will continue denying me of my sexual rights.

    • Author
      Matthew L. Jacobson 11 months ago

      It’s easy to do the right thing when everyone else is treating us well. But, God calls you and me to walk in holiness regardless of the actions of others.

      • sharon pugh 9 months ago

        you are very right.
        but you do not point out that his wife is not keeping up her vows
        and i think is sinning to by neglecting her husband of sex,which clearly states do not deprive each other of sex,if you need to not have sex because of a reason,agree together a time but then regain your sexual intimicy to not be tempted.

        so his wife needs help to relize she is sinning by depriving her husband sex ans affection.he sinned to by cheating,they both are wrong and both need to fix the marriage and step up to what they both did to cause the marriage to become the way it has.

        i think you as aurthors and counsilers need to give better advice then just walk in holiness.you are right about that,but you need to give better advice along with it

        you did not let this man know how wrong his wife was by negleting him or ask why she has.does she have a valied reason that she cant have sex like something medicial.if so is there other ways she can please him and he please her to keep the intimicy they should have between just them

        im frustrated by the lack of help you guys offer in your replies to people who are hurting

        • DEB SHULL FANCOTE 6 months ago

          Sex is not what makes a marriage, communication, respect, love and so much more,. there are many people in great marriages that don’t have to have sex. sex is not the root of a marriage, love, honesty, etc.
          if someone is handicap etc and cannot have sex, that is wrong to leave them or cheat on them. what makes a marriage is what is felt in the heart and following Gods ways. not sex.

  44. Cheryl Cooper 12 months ago

    Thank you for reminding me that on my own, I don’t have the strength to do the right thing, but God’s Spirit living on the inside of me will empower me to respond in a Godly way even when my spouse is not behaving in a Godly way.

  45. Amelia 1 year ago

    There is much good here. But, I wish articles like this and the church would address verbal/emotional abuse as well. It is never mentioned~yet it is as harmful as physical abuse.

    • Author

      Open accountability among those who will love enough to call out the abuser is the only way to treat this sinful, destructive behavior.

  46. Staci 1 year ago

    First, let me say that I agree with this article. My husband has been unfaithful to me & is determined that it was my fault. He even went so far as to tell me that he didn’t care how much he hurt me. We are still married because I can’t bring myself to put our 3 daughters (who are all still at home) through a divorce. I have been in survival mode for many years when it comes to my marriage. I know he isn’t going to do his part in leading or loving me. He has proven that time & time again, regardless of what the 4 Christian marriage counselors we have seen over the years have told him. I can’t change or control him, & I can’t make him care about me. He is (literally) a textbook narcissist. By the grace of God, I have made my peace with all of this. Having said all of that, my question is this: Am I sinning by shutting him out? I don’t mean I’m ignoring him or being antagonistic or angry toward him. I only mean emotionally & spiritually. I feel like I am protecting my heart from further damage but maybe that’s the wrong way to view it. I really don’t know what is best at this point.

    • Author

      Staci – what a challenging road. It isn’t the place of this forum to counsel in complicated situations. You need the input of godly, biblical counselors who know you and your situation thoroughly. God bless you as you seek, locally, the counsel you need.

    • Angela 1 year ago

      Dear Staci
      I just want to tell you that people, even men like your husband..can change their ways.
      No man is behind Gods reach. Prayer and fasting are great weapons against the spirit that has overtaken your husband. He can be set free but you would need to stand in the gap for him. Believe that nothing is impossible with God. You have decided well to stick it out. But you can still have the marriage of your dreams. God is in the restoration business. Let God change soften your heart. And then your husbands…

    • Lynn 7 months ago

      Do you realize what your dealing with here? My husband followed me around the house calling me names (traitorous whore mostly in Spanish), he told my kids he would take them away and get them a new mommy. He doesn’t speak to me for days. He’s financially controlling. He will tell anyone who will listen that I am bad and a problem and he taylors it to his audience. (People with healthy marriages he says it’s a joint decision when he never discussed anything with me. People with bad marriage I’m the ball and chain. His family it’s just blatant sexist names, my family he accuses me of my legitimate weaknesses even if he has to lie.) He has threatened to take my kids out of the country and never let me see them again. He has tried to get me evicted. He has threatened to beat up my boss attempting to get me fired. He has always staunchly opposed me going to the doctor, or the dentist. He talked the OB out of testing my iron levels at my six weak appointment when I was having trouble staying conscious, a racing heart and chest pains from walking 20 yeads. I should have gone to the ER. He cut me down so much at OB appointments in my last pregnancy I quit going in the third trimester. He was fine with this. Before I quit having sex with him, he would deliberately avoid arousing me so that sex would be dry and painful for me because he liked it better that way. He constantly puts the kids in the middle of our fights. He has been clear he can hit me, although he’s generally not violent.

      Can my husband be saved and changed? Sure. Am I really Biblically required to stick around and wait for him to do it? Is it really good for the kids if I do?

  47. Lisa James 1 year ago

    This is all good to hear for marriages that are not abusive. Emotional, verbal, pyschological and sexual abuse is more damaging than physical abuse because you cannot see it. I am tired of the church, Christians, therapists, counselors, Attorney’s and Judges turning a blind eye to abuse that can only be seen on the outside, a bruise, a black eye, a broken bone. Physical abuse is self evident, but it is not the only form of abuse that should be counted as abuse. You can see someone’s behavior and tell what is going on inside from all the abuse and yes, neglect is a form of abuse and it counts too. Men are the God given spiritual authority and submission to an ungodly Christian will get you killed and it is way more than Physical abuse. You cannot respect an abusive man. He will think his abuse is acceptable. Far too many males are not men and use their being male to control and dominate their wife, using her as a took while he appears to be a Christian on the outside because he says the right things. Well, actions speak louder than words and a husband is responsible to love his wife. I think there is more abuse going on in marriages than selfishness. This is way more complicated than you want to acknowledge. Childhood wounds and trauma from both spouse left unhealed will be a problem. Denial is thick and people are wounded. More needs to be addressed before two even marry. I was abused by my father and my husband and I loved and respected them both. I had to divorce both of them because they refused to communicate and wanted to dominate and control. Their way or no way makes it difficult to be in a relationship that is God’s way. It will kill you if you stay in any kind of abusive relationship, not merely Physical abuse. So please stop hurting women and men that are be abused in all kinds of ways by only talking about physical abuse. Sexual abuse is also in marriages and that is also physical. Go deeper or risk hurting people who are already hurt.

    • Michelle 1 year ago

      Yes! I’m struggling right now with an emotionally abusive and manipulative husband. I’ve recently filed for seperation because I still cling to the thinnest thread of hope that this time will be the moment of change. So far he is letting this happen without a fight and part of me feels hurt and rejected by that. A few weeks ago I found myself wishing that he would hit me instead of the silent shutting me out mind games. The more I stand up for myself the more he pulls away. It’s very painful.

    • Michelle 7 months ago

      My husband of over 30 years is the same way. We have been in church for years and he even been a pastor. Now we are in a different church and state. He has them convinced that a lot of things are my fault. So if they ask him a question they look at me. They love him because he is one way in church and one way to our neighbors and another way at home. I don’t have no one to talk to about it. I can’t go to the pastor, because he thinks I am disrespecting my husband and he don’t know the full story. I get fussed at, yelled at, everything to him is my fault. He has had several affairs throughout our marriage and recent found out he has had an emotional affair with another and donate money to her charity. I am ready to leave because of a lot of things and it seems like he is ready for me to go. i love my husband but at the point I don’t care for his ways. I have been praying and know it works.

  48. C.J. 1 year ago

    Thank you for this article. It really struck home since I know I am sinning by allowing myself to be ungracious and angry with my wife of 20-plus years after I exposed a 2-year emotional affair she was having with a man in our church. It devastated me and I still am working through the pain on a daily basis and in counseling, but I know I am not showing her Christ’s love as a husband and know that my emotional outbursts only cause her to wonder why she decided to stay and work on the marriage if she has to remain with a man who treats her the way I have been.

    I try to do my best and be loving most of the time, but it doesn’t take much sometimes to set my emotional triggers off, especially when it comes to memories, hearing our favorite songs or seeing a TV show or movie that has an marital infidelity in it or show a couple madly in love with each other when we are still so disconnected. It makes me angry and I snap, unleashing that anger, discouragement and that feeling of hopelessness that nothing is ever going to change again and get us back into the loving relationship we once had.

    • Author

      Brother, the harvest of sinful anger (however justified it feels in the moment) is always destruction. Banish it. It will only destroy what it touches. And you have the power to do it because you belong to the King of Kings who gave you His Holy Spirit to empower you.

      Your pain must be immense. Please don’t think that I seek to diminish it in any way. But, our pain is no match for God’s plans.

      May I offer a suggestion? Consistently acting in a loving manner can have a massive impact on a marriage. I know it takes two but, someone is supposed to be leading this dance. So, I’m encouraging you to get a copy of the book I wrote to help husbands communicate love in meaningful ways to their wives. If you’re interested, you can check it out here: https://loyalartsmedia.com/products/pre-order-special-husband-and-wife-100-ways-to-love-bundle

  49. Paul Gawthrop 2 years ago

    Thank you for this truth. I have been struggling in the forgiveness area because around 8 months ago my wife left our marriage for the 2nd time in 32 years. I can’t understand how she can walk out of everything that we had worked for over the years. I realize that I had crushed her spirit by some of my actions over the years. Even though I did not physically have any affairs, my thought life was not Christ honoring and it outwardly showed, but I had always stood by my wife and forgave her when she left me the first time years ago and had an affair. I so long to have my wife go to the “war room” for me and to fight for me and our marriage as I have done so for her. I am hurting beyond belief and I know that God has commanded me to forgive her and to love her even as ” Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her”, but I’m struggling. Please pray for healing and restoration.

    • Author

      My heart goes out to you, Brother. Praying for you as I press “send”.

      Lord God, please intervene, here, in this situation. Have mercy, Lord. Draw to yourself these hurting people and show them your divine will for their marriage. Please restore the years the locusts have eaten. In Jesus’ Name, amen.

  50. Bruna 3 years ago

    I am in the middle of a big issue a just discovered that my husband of 7 years is doing drugs and I still can’t believe . I need some advice because I can’t trust him anymore or forgive him . He said that is not doing anymore but I can’t trust him . Sorry for telling this but maybe you can pray for me I don’t know what to do .

    • Matthew Jacobson 3 years ago

      We will pray for you. Find a local Church, lead by godly men who teach the Bible.

    • April 2 years ago

      Love him. Trust in God and not man. Fight for him. He is sick and he needs you.

  51. Tabatha 3 years ago

    How do you do this when your husband is continually unfaithful? We have been married 14 1/2 years and he has had at least 6 affairs, currently in one. I left with our two sons a little over a year ago due to an affair with a very young woman. I filed for divorce as I believed his behavior would not change and I did not want my sons growing up believing it was ok to behave in this manner. I love my husband despite everything and have recently become praying that God will break him till he has no where to turn but to God. People don’t understand how I can still live a man that has hurt me so much. If he gave his life to the Lord I would be home with him today. But I struggle to forgive all the pain he has caused my kids and I.

    • Matthew Jacobson 3 years ago

      Who wouldn’t struggle under the same circumstances? Find a Bible believing/teaching community with biblical leadership (1 Timothy 2/3) and walk with those who will encourage, comfort, challenge, and exhort you. We are all in God’s hands. He does the changing in a life. It is our part, however horrific the journey to keep faith and draw near to Him. (James) I am praying for your family as I press ‘send’.

  52. Sara 3 years ago

    Thank you for this article. My husband of almost 20 yrs. decided this past year that he no longer believes in an eternal hell and has left our church. He was an elder for 18 yrs and we had what I thought was a solid marriage. He is still committed to me and our 4 kids, but has wandered into new age thinking etc. We agreed on almost everything spiritual, but I just can’t follow what I know is wrong according to scripture. I am so grieved and feel abandoned spiritually. I have been battling depression and anxiety through this. The Lord has drawn me closer to himself through this, but I still have a long way to go. Godly men have tried to challenge him, but he is resolute in his new beliefs. It’s really hard to go to two different churches on Sunday morning. Could you pray for me?

    • Matthew Jacobson 3 years ago

      Praying for you as I write this and I’m sure many who read this will lift you up in prayer, as well.

  53. Sallie 3 years ago

    Wow, it is amazing to find this encouraging post today. It goes right along with what the prayer of my heart has been for so long, but especially this morning. I do not want to be a person filled with contempt, but a joyful wife filled with love for my husband. This morning I asked the Lord to show me and help me with this very situation. And now it is very clear that the path to this kind of living, loving, and thinking is going to start with those words ” Be holy as I am holy.”.

  54. Tera 3 years ago

    I don’t know if you are reading these comments to this post still. But I thought I would ask anyway. You put

    Being holy does not mean denying who you are and stuffing your feelings until you’re ready to explode. Involve others – godly, older mentors who can shine biblical light on the path before you. Don’t ‘go it’ alone.

    Sadly this has been a weakness across the churches! You speak about unconditional live for our spouse, yet in the church we are in a type of relationship similar to marriage and we are called to walk with each other. Yet I have not had but one person walk with me in this way (and that was temporary as we moved) but it was clearly God orchestrated.

    So my question is what do you do when this doesn’t happen? When it seems as though God is keeping it from happening. i’ve been praying for friends and or mentor(s) for about 15 yrs or so! And to no avail!

    • Matthew Jacobson 3 years ago


      I’m a bit confused but, I think you are saying that you are looking for a couple to mentor you and your husband in marriage. If your husband isn’t looking for this, too, I suggest focusing only on yourself, looking for a godly older woman to mentor you. Remember, no one is prevented from walking in holiness because of someone else. You can walk in holiness. It’s a choice that every person must make and, again, doing so is not relative to another person (although, admittedly, made much easier if one’s spouse is godly). There are many Churches with women’s ministries where mentorship is available. You say you’ve never found anyone to mentor you in 15 years. That makes me wonder about where you’ve been looking and the approach you’ve taken and what you are actually looking for. The best mentorship program available is listening to the Holy Spirit as you read the portions of the Bible written specifically to wives (to you!) . . . and then walking in obedience to those Scriptures. For some practical application, may I also suggest that you get a copy of my wife’s book, 100 Ways to Love Your Husband you can get a copy here: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/192912533X/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=192912533X&linkCode=as2&tag=matthewljacob-20&linkId=DLRJR4ELF7HCUAQV ?

      • Tera 3 years ago

        Thanks. I did get her book! I also have the book love and respect, if you are familiar with that, As well as many others. To clarify I am referring to have someone mentor me. Those who “give” advice suggest things that are not helpful such as leave a book open to a page with a passage highlighted so that he might read it or invite people from the church over to get to know your family. Which early on in our marriage I did these things ( yes even the first example as well as other just as sad). The second one, I’m all for “getting to know people” and enjoying company. But every time I’ve done this it has put a wedge between me and my husband spiritually and him and the church because they come over with a mission to win him to christ rather than “get to know us”. When people treat him as another possible ” notch on their bible” rather than a real person who has real interests. It leaves a believer feeling deflated wondering if there is anyone else out there who puts the bible into practice. Then I ran across Lisa’s blog and am constantly reading it, hungry for encouragement of those who are like minded, Hungry for other believers to walk arm in arm in weakness and strength.

        Thanks for the comment about the Holy Spirit’s guidance as I read and walk out the scriptures. As this is the one thing that has got me and my family through difficult times. I’m thankful that my marriage is intact because and only because of Him!

        Obviously there is much more to this story. but this blog post touched to the core of what I have been living in and I had to reach out.

  55. anonymous 3 years ago

    I have been dealing with an unfaithful spouse for over 8 of our 13 years of marriage. I think I’ve run the gamut of how to respond and how not to respond. Over the years I have learned so many invaluable lessons about where to place my hope and trust, how faithful God is to hold us in our afflictions, and how to lean into Him through it all. I have not lived with my husband for almost 2 years because of his job in another country and when we see each other once or twice a year I all but have to beg for intimacy. I know that my husband loves me, believe it or not, and the past 2 years my tactic has been to be encouraging, uplifting, and non confrontational in our communication, trusting that only God can get through to him, and refusing to stand in the way of that. Nothing has changed about my husband, he still parties every weekend, we have no conversations about anything of value, there is a lot of secretiveness and lying on his part, there has been nothing that would encourage healing in our marriage- and in my attempts to be pleasant and hands off- I’ve found now, 2 years later, that while I love him, I am content without him. I know this is not how its supposed to be, it’s truly no relationship at all. My kids love their dad, but have lived most of their lives without him (do to his work) and he seems ok with that for the most part. He has no plans to find a job in the US and I have no desire to upend our kids lives to live in the middle east. I have sought much advice over the years. Some was entirely bad advice, some was moderately helpful, most people just shrug their soldiers and say, “That’s tough.” I’m seeking the Lord and meeting with a counselor this weekend, because I am, at this point, very ready to be done. I still love my husband, I always will, I will always pray for him, and want the best for him, if things go the direction they are headed I won’t remarry or date or anything, but after 8 years and no progress, well, step 3 in Matthew 18…. However, I do want to encourage anyone else going through this- its far too easy to let resentment and bitterness take root! Don’t let it!!! You must be diligent to surrender to the Lord continuously, every moment of every day- I can’t imagine enduring any of it without Him! Allow God to pull you close into the shadow of His wings. You will find rest. And learn to measure whatever advice you get against the Bible. He is all of the things we desire in our husbands and more! One of the biggest lessons I have learned was not to expect from my husband what I ought to be looking to God for! Prayers!

  56. anonymous 3 years ago

    I ask that you pray for my marriage. I really can’t reach out to anybody in my church since my husband is the Pastors son and I don’t trust anybody to listen without judgment. I am looking for a job after graduating college.i’m at the point that if I had a job I would leave my husband. He has lied to me about many things and for the last three years of our five years of marriage, our marriage has been broken. I found that he was talking and flirting with other girls. And then that he was spending time (weekends, trips and cruises) with a girl. I found pictures of one of the trips and they were kissing. I confronted him about it and he promised it was nothing and they were just friends. But this went on, and he kept promising that they were just friends. About four weeks ago I read his messages on his phone and they talked like they loved each other. He was so nice to her like he was with me before marriage. Now I always have to text him throughout the day for him to text me. He has recently promised that he doesn’t talk to her anymore. But I keep thinking about the lies, the messages I read between them and the sexy pictures of her and other “friends” on his phone. I find myself nagging him about who he is texting and who he is with when he goes out. I really need prayer so God can guide me to decide if I should give it another try or if he still won’t stop then I don’t think I can do this anymore. I love him but if we are both not happy then it won’t work. I can’t even talk to him about how I feel because when I start crying he gets mad and leaves. He doesn’t like to talk about our issues, he just lets days go by until we both just start talking again but he never says sorry or seems to want to talk. Please just pray for both of us.

    • Matthew Jacobson 3 years ago

      I’m praying for you right now (as are others no doubt are who read this) but I strongly urge you to involve godly Church oversight in this utterly lawless situation. The sensitivity is understandable but there must be other Church leadership – godly, mature, wise – that will provide oversight. You were not intended to walk alone . . . none of us are. Ask God to reveal who this might be.

  57. Cindy 3 years ago

    Hi mr. Jacobson-
    I have been pondering your response to my earlier post to you and think it was profound – maybe because it was not what I expected. I realize that you do not know me or the details of my pain or situation, and maybe that is ok, at this point- because I do know that my creator sees all & weighs the heart. I only write this now because I have prayed your suggested prayer; and although I wish no harm ever to my husband – I believe that a situation can be used to bring us to our senses (prodigal son came to his senses and returned home) …. I am expecting my husband home tonight from a business trip and praying for intervention that will revolutionize our family back together & back to serving God as we should & as I dream about:). Thank you for your encouragement. & yes. , the book of James is packed with wisdom. I appreciate your dedication to the work of the ministry for Jesus!

  58. anonymous 3 years ago

    My husband’s and I have not been intimate for over a year. Not by my choice. I have also also caught him several times in chat rooms having inappropriate conversations with women although we are not intimate. I have been married well over a decade. I need prayer because it becomes more of a struggle every day to not walk away.

    • Matthew Jacobson 3 years ago

      Dear Anonymous,

      Lisa’s and my heart goes out to you.

      If you are a believer – a disciple of Jesus Christ – please involve the local Church where you attend . . . provided it is shepherded by godly, wise men who love the Lord and His Word. You need the oversight and accountability of the Church for this situation, which is totally unacceptable.

      If you are not a believer, I encourage you to read the Gospel of John and ask God to reveal Himself to you.

      As I press send, I’m asking the Father to intervene.

  59. thomas 3 years ago

    Thank you mathew for that insightful article. it helped me over come hurt and put me right where i was supposed to be;on my knees in surrender to the lord.

  60. Anna 3 years ago

    Why, but why do you elevate physical abuse above emotional abuse? Are you saying that grace and obedience means an abused spouse has to endure a lifetime of emotional abuse as a suffering servant? Are not the consequences just as devastating for the spouse as well as the children as physical abuse?

    • Matthew Jacobson 3 years ago

      Anna, You bring up an important topic. You also bring up another topic that, perhaps, you didn’t foresee. Was it your intention to suggest that the mention of one form of sin is to state one’s opinion about all other forms of sin? I think not. Please reflect that the article didn’t mention, for instance, continual drunkenness of a mother of small children, nor a father gambling one’s family into perpetual, grinding poverty, etc., etc.

      For an excellent treatment of the subject of domestic violence, I recommend the following Jay Younts article from Shepherd’s Press: http://www.shepherdpress.com/gods-answer-to-domestic-violence/

  61. (Sorry my caps don’t work on this site)
    I’m amazed at how often this comes up: I will not be nice because he is not nice, etc. It’s a form of conditional love. We promised unconditional love. God gives us unconditional love and we freely and eagerly accept it. how can we turn to the person we love most in the world and put conditions on our love?

    Your post presents a great connection, to move from our spouse’s behavior to our own responsibility to live in holiness before God. It is really a boundaries issue; what am I responsible for? I am responsible for my own attitudes, behaviors, thoughts, etc. I am responsible to live in holiness before god. Sometimes that holiness plays itself out by giving truth and grace to a spouse who presents the temptation to step out of holiness ourselves.

    Thank you for your good post.

    • Tera 3 years ago


      • Matthew Jacobson 3 years ago


        I’m a bit confused but, I think you are saying that you are looking for a couple to mentor you and your husband in marriage. If your husband isn’t looking for this, too, I suggest focusing only on yourself, looking for a godly older woman to mentor you. Remember, no one is prevented from walking in holiness because of someone else. You can walk in holiness. It’s a choice that every person must make and, again, doing so is not relative to another person (although, admittedly, made much easier if one’s spouse is godly). There are many Churches with women’s ministries where mentorship is available. You say you’ve never found anyone to mentor you in 15 years. That makes me wonder about where you’ve been looking and the approach you’ve taken and what you are actually looking for. The best mentorship program available is listening to the Holy Spirit as you read the portions of the Bible written specifically to wives (to you!) . . . and then walking in obedience to those Scriptures. For some practical application, may I also suggest that you get a copy of my wife’s book, 100 Ways to Love Your Husband you can get a copy here: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/192912533X/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=192912533X&linkCode=as2&tag=matthewljacob-20&linkId=DLRJR4ELF7HCUAQV ?

  62. Cindy 3 years ago

    Agreed w / article….it’s just some days are easier than others to deal w/this behavior that doesn’t seem to go away from spouse. Sometimes I believe that only a crisis can change this type of behavior…so that has been the prayer as of late; however, sometimes I struggle w/the decision of creating the crisis myself? I don’t want to be responsible for the wrong change action….so here I sit, day after day in same situation, probably like so many others out there……

    • Matthew Jacobson 3 years ago

      Cindy, Yes, some days are easier than others, no question. We’re human – something the Lord keeps in mind. The Bible says He is mindful that we are mere dust. I’m grateful for that. He knows our weak condition but, He is not weak and will give you grace for the journey He as asked you to walk.

      You mention “crisis”. I believe in praying for a crisis to bring focus on what matters to God. One time, a friend was about to do something that would damage his life and the lives of several others forever. I prostrated myself before Almighty God and asked Him to “Do whatever it will take to turn ( ) from his wayward path.”

      God saw fit to place that man in a severe car accident, breaking many bones. The crisis ultimately turned him from his destructive path. So, if you have the courage and the faith, ask God to do whatever it takes to glorify Himself in your life and the life of your husband.

      “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” (read the book of James)

      • And The Truth Is 6 months ago

        Well most of the women out there nowadays are certainly very good doing that to many of us good men that have had this happened to us already unfortunately.

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