Many wives feel the work facing them is never done. For the diligent manager of her home, she lives this reality every day. It’s nonstop. And then there’s sex.
Unless you’re wealthy enough to pay others to do the work, the old adage, A woman’s work is never done, is something most wives feel at a deep level.
Dirty dishes and piles of laundry were a constant frustration to Lisa in the first year of our marriage. Didn’t I just do those? (Now, you might be thinking, Well, Matthew, you should have helped more! To read more about that, CLICK HERE)
Are you diligent, consistent, faithful, hardworking? Doesn’t matter. There’s always more to do, isn’t there? The chores of life keep coming at wives like angry bees but with the regularity of the rising sun.
In the midst of all wives have to do, there’s one chore they should never do . . . and, if you’re doing it, you should stop doing it right now.
What is the one chore a wife should never do?
Many wives approach intimacy with their husbands with the same attitude they have for cleaning the bathroom or mopping the kitchen – It’s got to be done so, fine, I’ll do it.
Is that how you feel?
No, you don’t enjoy intimacy. No, you’d rather not bother. It’s a chore, nothing more . . . a chore that has to be done. Let’s get this over with.
No husband (unless he is selfish and sinful) wants his wife to merely “do her duty” in the bedroom. Part of a husband’s fulfillment in sex comes from knowing that his wife is enjoying her time with him and wants to be there.
Well, what about the wife’s fulfillment? What about MY fulfillment? Some may be thinking right now. And it’s a perfectly legitimate question.
Men have a responsibility to know (learn!) and seek out their wives on the matter of what is meaningful and enjoyable to them. And, it’s not that complicated because in one very important essential, every wife is the same . . . she wants to be a cherished women. If sex is a chore for your wife, chances are, you’re not cherishing her in ways that are meaningful to her. Many men just don’t know how to cherish their wives. If that describes you, or you want to get better at it, CLICK HERE for a book that will have a powerful impact on you and your marriage.
Sometime early in our marriage, Lisa’s enjoyment in our physical relationship began to fade – never to the level of I hate doing this chore – but certainly experiencing a lack of desire. (Because I was a perfect husband, of course this had nothing to do with me, but that’s another story! If you want to read it CLICK HERE)
Unless old age or physical disability has changed or altered one’s capacity, the farther a couple moves away from enjoying a healthy sex life, the farther away from God’s design they find themselves. The enemy of our souls is an expert at getting us to live a grey, mediocre (or worse) version of the rich life we were designed to enjoy.
If sex is a chore, what should you do?
1) Recognize that this perspective is wrong – is not biblical. God wants you to think differently about intimacy with your spouse.
2) Pray for change (in you and in your spouse). Nothing trite here. This is what Lisa did in our situation. She prayed that God would restore her physical desire for me. I’m happy to report that God answers Prayer! Seeking God for His will in our lives brings powerful change.
3) Think. Get specific in your thinking about the things you would like to see changed in your physical relationship. If all you do is want change but don’t actually know the specifics, it’s a no-win situation for your spouse. And, you want this to be a win!
4) Talk. Be willing to communicate, to open your heart about how you are feeling and what you would like – the specific things you would like your spouse to do that you enjoy. Many husbands have no idea their wives don’t enjoy being with them in the bedroom. And, be sure to ask your spouse what you could change to make your times together more enjoyable for him/her, as well.
If you are having deeper problems, here are some excellent, biblical resources that you will find greatly helpful:
Unveiled Wife. Embracing Intimacy with God and Your Husband. This is a personal memoir of Jennifer Smith, a young wife who went through deep sexual challenges in her marriage.
www.ToLoveHonorAndVacuum.com. Articles and biblical teaching for women from Sheila Wray Gregoire on the subject of sex.
A woman’s work may never be done but one chore that God never intended for marriage is sex. Start today getting sex off your chore list.
And, as husbands, let’s take responsibility to make sure sex stays off our wife’s chore list.
Matt Jacobson is a biblical marriage coach and founder of FaithfulMan.com a biblical marriage, parenting, and discipleship ministry providing written and audio teaching, as well as couples marriage coaching. He is the co-host (with his wife, Lisa) of Faithful Life Podcast and is author of the bestseller, 100 Ways to Love Your Wife. Matt is pastor of Tumalo Bible Fellowship and is married to Lisa, founder of Club31Women.com (they have 8 kids!).