Does the responsibility of bringing security to the marriage relationship go both ways? Is this a matter for husband and wife? Of course, yes. For the Christian husband, however, the Bible establishes him as holding an office of special responsibility before God for how he leads, nurtures, and cherishes his wife.
Wives don’t get a pass but that doesn’t mean husbands get to duck or side-step their greater responsibility.
When it comes to accountability before God, the husband is responsible to God for the marriage in a way that the wife isn’t. At first, this may sound a bit “off”. How can we know this? The Word is clear that the man holds an office of “headship” for which he will be held accountable. 1 Corinthians 11: 3 states, “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” This is spoken in the context of marriage, not in the general context of men and women.
Some may chafe at this. Others will be angry at the suggestion, but all our opposition to the idea that the husband is to lead and has primary responsibility for the marriage has no affect on what the Bible teaches. It is left to us to embrace it . . . or to reject it and go our own way, as many have and do.
Christian husband, you will be held accountable by God for how you lead in the responsibilities He gave you.
It’s a sad prospect that many wives of men who readily call themselves “Christian” live in a constant state of insecurity, always seeking to know where they stand with their husbands from day to day. This is wrong and should never be the reality in any Christian marriage.
For those men who wish to be biblical Christians – not merely calling themselves “Christian” while doing as they please – there are specific things you can (and must!) do to bring security, safety, and peace to the heart of your wife so she can live with abject confidence in the devotion of your heart to her.
What should you do to build a strong wall of security around your wife’s heart?
- Put a Guard over Your Eyes
You may not even realize it but your wife can see where your eyes are looking . . . she can feel it. You may believe you are subtle but it won’t matter. She knows – she always knows if you are faithful or unfaithful with your eyes. Perhaps you’ve told yourself, “Yes, I love my wife but, I just can’t help it. There are so many temptations.”
If you believe that, you believe a lie – and that lie will destroy the security of your wife’s heart because it’s nothing more than your excuse to keep on sinning. You can help it because God is not a liar. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.””
If God says you can help it, then you can help it!
2. Put a Guard over Your Mind
Take charge of where your mind goes. No, it’s not a sin to be tempted by a filthy thought but it is sin to dwell on it. Your wife can’t read your mind but, she can sense when you are growing distant – the direct result of hidden sins in your mind. Do not allow your mind to fantasize about anyone other than your wife and how you like to spend time with her.
You are not a victim of the inclinations of your flesh. You are in charge, so take charge! If you’re struggling with your thought-life, start memorizing Scripture (1 Corinthians 10:13 is a good place to start!). Take your next temptation as your cue to review the Scriptures you are committing to memory.
3. Put a Guard over Your Heart
There are times when our hearts need to be told what to do – times when we need to remind our hearts where our true allegiance is, and where real happiness and fulfillment can be found. Remind yourself regularly by telling yourself . . .
a) I love my wife
b) I don’t want to do anything to hurt her
c) All I do has a huge impact on the security of her heart
d) Her heart is a sacred treasure and I am its guardian
e) This temptation is a counterfeit, designed to destroy everything God wants to build in our marriage
4. Put a Guard over Your Time
Many husbands believe that their time is their own – that they can spend their time anyway they choose. What does this mindset communicate to one’s wife? This way of thinking says, “You have second-class status with me.” Not exactly a way to build security in the relationship, is it? But it’s worse than that. Thinking this way is selfish at the very least and violates the oneness spoken of by God – the two shall become one. This verse isn’t just speaking of the honeymoon. It’s a statement of spiritual unity until death. Your time isn’t your own. This doesn’t mean that you are to be run around as a slave to another’s selfish whims but, where is your heart on the matter?
Take into consideration (as a first thought) your wife’s needs and how your choices impact her. This is the heart of a man who wishes to build strong walls of security in his wife’s heart. Choose to be that man.
The responsibility of every Christian man to guard the security of his wife’s heart is clear. Question is: Will you choose to be a blessing to your wife, today, by building in her heart strong walls of security in your marriage relationship? And, one more question . . . will you choose to be a strong example to others?
For those who say, “Yes!” rich, lasting benefits await, starting with the smile of God for being a faithful man who gently cares for the sacred gift He entrusted to you – your wife’s heart.
Matt Jacobson is a biblical marriage coach, founder of FaithfulMan.com a biblical marriage, parenting, and discipleship ministry providing written and audio teaching, as well as couples marriage coaching. He is also the creator of FREEDOM Course, an 8 session class, including a workbook, where he teaches men the biblical path to finding total victory from pornography and sexual sin. He is the co-host (with his wife, Lisa) of Faithful Life Podcast and is author of the bestseller, 100 Ways to Love Your Wife. Matt is pastor of Cline Falls Bible Fellowship and is married to Lisa, founder of Club31Women.com (they have 8 kids!).