So, you’re alone for a few . . . she’s in the other part of the house, away for the day, out for the evening, sleeping, distracted . . . the main thing is, you’re alone . . . .
Hey, I’ll just fire one off in the shower . . . no harm, no foul.
It’s okay, right? After all, you want sex far more than she does (in the typical relationship . . . there are exceptions) so, why not have a quick one and not bother her?
Or, maybe you’re one of those guys who seldom has sex with your wife (I’m tired, stressed, etc., you tell her again, and again) but often party by yourself without her knowing.
Whatever the reason, it’s not important because what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her, right? And then she walks in, throws back the shower curtain . . . and, there you are. Caught red-handed. “Babe . . . I was, uh . . . just thinking of you, really.”
Right. And, how do you feel then? Like Adam running around the Garden of Eden looking for fig leaves?
But you told yourself it was no big deal. So, why are you covered with embarrassment and shame? If it was all ‘okay’, why is your wife filled with hurt and anger? Why did she leave the room disgusted, feeling . . . gross?
No harm, no foul, remember?
But there is harm because marching to the beat of your own drum is foul.
You told yourself you can pleasure yourself without consequences (as long as she doesn’t find out) but, in fact, it was all a convenient lie so you could get what you wanted. You knew from the start it was wrong, which is why you became a deceiver in the first place.
What has really happened here? First of all, you’re being secretive – sneaky – behind your wife’s back. Can’t let her find out! From where did the idea come that having private orgasms apart from the knowledge and involvement of your wife was okay?
It’s absurd. And, sneaking around your own home trying to keep your sexual activity hidden from your wife makes you a liar.
No healthy marriage relationship has secrets, especially sexual secrets.
So, you’ve lied to your wife. You’ve also betrayed her, pretending to be something you’re not: faithful. Sex with yourself is sexual sin, against your wife. Masturbation is theft from, lying to, and betrayal of your wife. Your secret sex life is robbing your wife of what is rightfully hers.
The Bible is such an interesting book when it comes to the subject of sex. The New Testament was written in the context of cultures that had little to no respect for women, especially wives. For the most part, they were owned, like property. Along comes the Bible and says that a wife has just as much right to her husband’s body as the husband has to his wife’s body.
Husbands and wives are directly instructed not to withhold from each other. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 says (paraphrased), “The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and likewise the wife, her husband’s. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another [not have sex on a regular basis], except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
So, when you decided to go solo, you withheld – robbed – your wife of what is rightfully hers. Your body parts are not exclusively yours to do with what you want – which is why you feel shame when you get caught. The two of you are one and husbands can choose to care for what belongs to their wives – their bodies – with honor or dishonor.
Choose honor, even when it’s difficult. That’s what makes it honor.
The thing about leading a double life is, sooner or later, the light is going to shine in and expose what’s really there. If you don’t want to be ashamed of yourself – if you don’t want to betray your wife and have her lose respect for you – receive the truth that your body and all its parts belong to her. She has every right to know where they’ve been and how they are being used.
Is it time for a conversation with the woman you love? Come clean if you have sin to confess. Tell her what you’ve been doing. Acknowledge that you’ve been deceiving her and robbing her. Ask her to forgive you. Then start living a different way.
Do you want to build positive communication patterns in your marriage? Speaking words of Affirmation into your husbands/wife’s heart each day is a beautiful way to communicate in every marriage! These books are available right now!
We hope both of these books — 100 Words of Affirmation Your Husband Needs to Hearand 100 Words of Affirmation Your Wife Needs to Hear (sold separately, or together as a bundle!) — will encourage and inspire your own relationship with your spouse.
Our new books aren’t just theory but show how we “do” marriage. These books are, literally, a window into the relationship we have and how we walk out our marriage, day-to-day. These new books are designed to encourage and equip you in your own marriage.
Every one of us has tremendous power to either build others up or tear them down through the words we speak every day, and nowhere is this more evident than in our marriages.
Are you being purposeful in how you use the power of your words to speak encouragement, strength, and love–breathing life into the heart of your spouse? Or are careless words having a negative impact on your marriage and on the heart of the one you love most?
We want you and your spouse to discover the powerful ways you can build one another up in love with the words that you choose to say every day–words that every husband and wife need to hear. These marriage books offer you 100 Things to say to your husband or wife that deeply encourage, affirm, and inspire.
Start speaking these words into each other’s lives and watch your spouse – and your relationship – transform before your eyes! Get your copies right here – 100 Words of Affirmation Bundle
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Matt & Lisa
Matt Jacobson is a biblical marriage coach and founder of FaithfulMan.com a biblical marriage, parenting, and discipleship ministry providing written and audio teaching, as well as couples marriage coaching. He is the co-host (with his wife, Lisa) of Faithful Life Podcast and is author of the bestseller, 100 Ways to Love Your Wife. Matt is pastor of Tumalo Bible Fellowship and is married to Lisa, founder of Club31Women.com (they have 8 kids!).